I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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