Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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