Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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