Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
