HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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