Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
