Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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