Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
