i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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