i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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