u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I forget how to act sober
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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