Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
