Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
