The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
