she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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