You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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