I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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