If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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