Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
