someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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