I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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