he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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