the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
