I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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