dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize