I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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