I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
