i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.