im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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