we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
