So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
