Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
