mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All the doctor said was why
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
