i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
