Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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