Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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