fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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