I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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