I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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