Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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