I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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