WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize