you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sext me about skeletons
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
