I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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