The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
