my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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