I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish you could order shots online.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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