I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
