I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
