I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
