the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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