peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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