my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
