Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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