I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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