So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
