he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
