Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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