I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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