I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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